MY DADDY WANTED HIS NAME ON MY BLOG

congrats , ...
to myself . i've made it . i deserve a huge pat on the back ^^ kay so
ITS 2010 :D start of a new decade , oh maann i'm excited . but i'm not willing to start fresh all over again , and because its another decade it doesn't make me feel better , it makes me wanna work harder . just becos its another decade ; x) 2010 , you aren't special ..? >:I

new years resolutions ? just to be more of an open person and to eat less LOOL , its always like that , each year >< but i have to try harder this year . .. its like that every year too .. i fail . GRAAWR enough with the resolutions . they make my head hurt D: so basically , i can't sleep . yknow its only 1am , & tbh i sleep at like 4 . but i'm really tired today but too many things to think about .. so i can't . (rofl insert emo thoughts here)

i dont know how this is going to work out for me . i feel used , i feel manipulated , i feel played with . (get rid of dirty thoughts here .) in all seriousness lulz . it feels like he's using me . it feels like he thinks of me as merely something to make him laugh once in a while , if that makes any sense ? to make things shorter . i dont like what i'm feeling from him . but he brings me in . closer , and i can't help but fall for it every single time .. he's too much to handle , but i can't back away from the feeling , i just can't . he's intoxicating . & lmfao , i'm still a tiny tot , what do i know ? but for now , i know enough to say that this feeling's gonna stay . for a long while , at the least . i dont like this .

sometimes i wish everything was back to the way it was ;
simple . care-free .

i'm just planning on not telling him . with his attitude , if i did and even if he returned the favour . he would still confront me with all he has . i dont even know why i fell so quickly ,

i dont like this .

ahhhh~ but what's wishing and hoping going to do ? in the end , ryuumonster's screwed >< lool . i'm such a mess . but this'll all go away soon . i'll find a way , sooner or later <3 because , clearly . i can't keep up with all of this without doing something about it . i know me , and i'll find a way soon (: just keep on keeping on~ <3

kay so as all of you may have known , 4 more hours will put an end to an amazing decade . in 4 more hours , its gonna be 2010 beeeyyaatch ! what an amazing year this has been . friends , fights , love , laughs , all in all , some pretty awesome memories i'll take with me to my next year . naming some events by each month , if i can remember em all .

january: so many problems with teen love that month xD i remember having a massive huge ass crush on jason ramires , ohh my that was something . took up most of my time >< i can remember everything , all the talks on the phone , the secret 3 way conversations without him knowing i was listening to everything i was saying >:] , the tight friendships , and the day for ski trip . oh my goodness , that was an amazing day . i broke my leg that august of 2008 while on vacation fml , so i couldn't go to the ski trip for grade 8 , but half the class stayed at school with me instead . so we tutored the grade 2's about 3d objects with models and shapes etc ROFL I REMEMBER EVERYTHING . and i dropped those model teddy bear counters all over the floor . that was quite embarassing considering HE helped me pick them up D; but i guess it was okaay . by end of january , i was basically in the middle of tons of flings with other people , i guess it was pretty entertaining . same old friends though . & LAKE ST GEORGE how could i forget ?! pretty awesome overnight trip with elem buds . eww but i remember that cheddar cheese bake . but overall the food was okayish . i miss my buds so much <3 february: what a lonely ass valentine's day . i remember that it was a saturday , considering that sunday school was obviously on sunday , and i met jason ramires on sundays . i hoped too much and got a hug ? >< such a letdown .. but i got stronger (: that's all i can remember about february . nothing special happened then , when i hoped it did . march: BREAKDOWWNNN . i dont even want to write about it x)

april: agghhh . month filled with fights with other chickies . back stabbing , shitload of hatred , but in the end found love . nbd .

may: broke it off .

june: month filled with so many memories , oh where do i begin ? month of grad , month of grad trip , which was shit btw but was memorable . will not ever look at niagara falls the same again x) ahh bomb day . spending 25 minutes going around clifton hill while we just could have used the trolley and spend less than 1 minute ? eeh . it was soo good exercise . grad lunch , which was amazazingg , chilling with the people i love + food = good times . then grad , ohmygod i was a wreck . tears everywhere . but most of the class stayed until school actually ended , which was june 25th , ahah i remember :) all in all , i'll never forget elementary <3 july: WONDERLAND BABYYY ! seasons pass , first time in forever , went so often . met new people , had an awesome time . behemoth 8 times in a row and then throwing up . sweeeeet .

august: repeat what is up dere ^^^ PLUS , getting ready for high school ! ^^

september: oh man . high school started then , i think i'll remember that first day for the rest of my life . ..not really i kinda forgot it . but at first i hated my classes . i knew absolutely no one . but after the first 2 weeks , things started getting really good . met people that i had no idea that existed , oh wow what would life be without them ? of course , i hated the "no boys" thing in high school . but really , i knew i'd meet some (H) . i'm too full of myself

october: birthday ; halloween . :) pretty much it . spent an awesome halloween at kadijah's base , some pretty fun stuff .

november: now my life is pretty boring . but it wasn't at all for me in november . met tons of new people who changed my life <3 , if it weren't for them , i dont know what i would do . csuna was pretty chill too . i worked so hard on my policy papers but my work didn't pay off . one person delegate fml . but i met new people there too ;P so many friends , i dont know what to do with all of them o: andd my boy issue was solved , x) all in all , i can't explain how awesome november was . oh + java jam , it was really cooool . december: still in this month . ^^ but this month was absolutely . the best month of this year by far . so many people who were so nice , so caring , and best of all is that i have em close to me ;) new relationships , new small flings , it was all overwhelming to me . new feelings , discovery , truth . all in one month baby . but really , i met some of the nicest people out there , and i'm happy i did (: cos i dont know how dull my life would be without the people i know now . i dont want to say goodbye to this year .


ARRIGHT SO. this is a long ass blog . but its okay , cos the decade ends in 3 hours :) took me an hour to write all of this omg . but yee i can't stress enough about how many generous people i've met this year , all the opportunities i see now , all the things i've done . twss ANYWAYS

i loved this year with all my heart . good times , bad times , all in all . i loved every single second of it . i'll keep all the memories with me forever <3 so long 2009 , 2010 , here i come .

as the title states . i is writing this blog at kadijah's base , got here approx. 20 minutes ago , chillenn (H) nah , we're not doing anything at all . but we needa go and get sam food soon . hungryy o: last night was pretty amusing . the tap on my sink turned on my itself so i texted everybody i could at 3 am . got like 15 replies , yeee and then started full length conversations ? xp then stood up texting for another hour , hot stuff right there . watched the hangover too , ahahah funny ass movie ,

"i married a whore"
"HOW DARE YOU , SHE'S A NICE LADY"

JOKES . ANYWAYS .

i'm thinking about things way too often .. well . i would rather say people than things , but at the same time i dont want to ,
gotta keep my mind off things .

but i still wonder ,

what would it be like to have him by my side ?
to call him mine ?

i'll never know , & it breaks me . but i'm going to have to get used to this , cos this is probably gonna happen like 24356578756453 more times in my life aha . i have to let go . ;_; but i can't ..

sorry , emo phase came back for like 2 minutes

YEEEEEEE . PASTA & RIBS , FOO . so facken hungry . after this , i have to go out to borrow a friggin old ass book from the library fml , + i have to read it in less than 4 days ? wish me luck readers .

k so i'm out . food's calling me ,
laaates

i hate this classic layoutt . but it'll have to do , cos if i change it to the updated one , my seksy layout i have on my blog right now will vanish like poof :c

good morning . i woke up like 40 minutes ago , not feeling the vibe for this particular day . then again , when do i feel otherwise . didn't write yesterday , ahaa so i shall recap on yesterday's shiz .

met a friend i haven't seen in a while at eatons in the morning :) it was pretty chill . but it was so fucken cold outside QQ , came back , wrote music , guitar/piano etc , ate . pretty much it lmao . talked on the phone with andre for like an hour and a bit until 1 am , then tried to sleep , didn't work out . too many things on mind , too many things i'm hoping for .. things i know that i'll never get .

what if he were here ? what could have been if i hadn't been so stupid .. what if he was next to me . what if he was wanting to be next to me ..
as you can see , i'm in a very confused/retarded/faaacked up ? state of mind . i've been like this for about 4 days now , i dont exactly know why . i've been screwing up , making mistakes , regretting .. and now i know that i can't turn back anything to what i want it to be . but i guess i'm pretty neutral so i'm just gonna have to wait until my moment comes up for me again . even though i can't stand waiting for it ..

i need something to happen .

i'm okay with anything that will happen , as long as its good , and as long as it will keep me occupied . if i keep thinking about this .. what happened , what could've been between me & him , and what can't be .. i think i'm gonna go mad :x .

i need a change in my life .

i need something out of the ordinary , i need someone who's willing to keep me on track . somebody .

i'm kinda stuck . he's on my mind , day in day out . he keeps changing . that person keeps changing , i dont know why but i can't handle it . i want him to stay the same . to stay close , not to wander . i want to talk to him .


but i can't .


listening to the same songs over and over again , oh gaaad what will i do ? he's on my mind ; he's on my mind too much . i need an escape :\

i want him to be mine , mine to call ; to hold . i want to be able to talk to him about this , but i can't . i just can't .. and i can't just stand here and pretend to be oblivious , pretend to not care about him . because i do , i do so much , and he doesn't understand . he never will ..


(8) i wont rest until he's mine (8) .


^^^ahahah . susie's very possessive , no ? whaatevs , i'm normally not like this , i wouldn't give 2 shits about whats going on . but i think what i'm feeling is different . not like the others , ..


actually it might be . maybe this is all infatuation and in reality , i'll get over this like i did with every other . but i dont think this'll end soon . what i'm feeling from him .

ITS TIME TO GET OUT OF THE RETARDED PHASE .

i have absolutely nothing planned for today . so i'll probably go out and run for a bit , come back and sleep . yars i have a game plan . tmr = going over to kadijah's , dont know what we're gonna do at all . horror movies ? ;)


the past has ended , i'm not taking it with me
moving on .

kay . today was pretty okay-ish . woke up to a taste of fireplace in my mouth ,
auntie left the fireplace on while i was sleeping x_x had breakfast at like 12 pm , and then left cousin's hosue to go to galleria . sheeez , did that suck bum . did nothing but stand there for like a whole 40 minutes . it was horrible . nevertheless , uncle dropped me off at finch , then took the subway to dundas to meet ANGIE <3>

anywaayss . and then took ttc to pho with angie & tony , waited like 30 minutes to an hour for people to meet up with us there . xD ate , it was pretty good (Y) and then went to angie's house , ROFL watched "1408" . really scary movie D: but it was pretty fun , considering that this whole birthday plan was planned yesterday LOL . really awesome day :) up to here ,

and then i get a call from my mom , saying that i'm in a shitload of shit . k so before i begin my stawriiee . my cousins from new york came here to canada to spend christmas here , go to casinos wtf . so i was invited to angie's party , so i kinda left them at my canadian cousin's house so i could go . dont blame me , i needed to get out . so i called my mom cos it was like 10 pm @ angie's so i was like "oshit . how am i supposed to get to thornhill" so i decided to sleep at my own house , instead of my cousin's for one day , and i would see em tmr . so my mom calls my other cousin and asks her to pack up my stuff for me so i can pick it up the next day & she said okayie :3 but like 5 minutes after , my aunt calls my mom and flips out on her that she feels like crap cos my mom's telling her what to do apparantly . so my mom had to pick me up at angie's . and then drive all the way to thornhill just to spend like 2 minutes there packing up . that pretty much fucked up my day , but everything else was pretty good to me :) i'm just so sick of everything , i'm happy that it happened eventually . cos i knew it would have sooner or later , i feel good to have dealt with that issue now .
btw , susie spelt in another way = issue . I FREAKIN ROCK .

+ i was thinking about him . i really do not know what i'm going to do/go for at this point , i dont even think he knows me enough to call me a friend even . i hope i get to know him better (L) and by him , i mean you . yes you , reading my blog .

but i'm really looking forward to seeing tons of new people again in the new year -^^- (that's my hopeful face .)

k so goodbye . susie is tres tired , she are going two sleep nao
yay for french/poor-ass grammar/poor-ass spelling

looool . k i'm out

today was pretty average , still with the cousins , video games all day , mall sometime in between . spent 40 minutes in line at the food court , boxing day = lose
very very short blog , because i dont have time to write anymore x)
ehh . nothing different today , other then SEA MONKEYS <3
my cousin & i are trying to take care of dem sea monkeys . my cousin jeannie put in the purifier , now i have to wait 24 hours for it to be purified x__x i dun wanna wait , i want mai sea monkeys :] cos a 5 year old always ruins the party .

kk so ima go now , lates :)

we're all on ddr right now , i'm at the computer ; 2 blogs in one night (maybe more ? x]) . i'm cool okay .
ahhhh ddr for like , 4 hours now , i'm loving every minute of this
all freaking out over a high score ROFL .
taking random pics , as much as i hate taking them , its christmas :3
THANKS SO MUCH TO CHRISTINE , who took part of great assistance of me and my blog-challenged syndrome . i'm finally getting it now , after 3 or so months ? ahaa .
i just noticed . i didnt talk about what i got for christmas at all , so let me commence . got this whole hollister shopping slurge opportunity . hells yeah . and then the camera , clothes , more clothes , and moneys $ . most of the shiz i got are clothes . x)
i is very very content with this christmas . :)
really tired , but cant sleep , so i result to blogging ? i'm a loser .

kk so now its time to play . mario kart wii , YEEEBOI
planning to stay up all night .

k so its christmas (: merry christmas abblebodie .
spent a day at the falls , broke a tent , took it into the washroom to try & fix , and failed miserably with my cousin
tried using rice cakes , coffee stirrers , plastic forks , and scissors to fix that damn pole
but all in all , it's all good for memories . kinda .
had the time of my life @ de falls , berry berry fun stuff
the food was omg .
amazazazing
just saying
now i'm at my cousin's house in thornhill , dancing on ddr and shiz , pretty awesome .
you can tell we're all azn ,
just finished ddr-ing to rick astley ,
clearly the best christmas
EVAR .
i wanna go ddr some moar but i hab to feenish blogging .
haven't wrote in a while ,
been very busy ,
& occupied ? things going on in life that i can't control nor hide . i guess imma just have to face all of em eventually ,
but i dont wanna T__T but it'll all be good for experience ?
fuck , i keep saying that in the end it'll all work out , but that doesn't really guarantee anything .

ANYWAYS . i dont like keeping my mind on things i dont wanna think about ,
it'll just cause me more grief .

having so much fun here .
AIR MATTRESSES FTW
I LAB DEE RASPBERRY TURNOVERS

merry christmas from the ryuu fam ? i love you guys . <3

saved for last ,
thinking about him
(yn) .

MERRY CHRISTMASSS ! ^^

k so basically . today i didnt go to school :) cos we had a swim meet ,
SJCS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

sorry .
i only signed up for one event xD came in 3rd , not bad really
at least i didnt come in last (Y) .
if i did . i wouldve been so embarrased ;$
but yeeeer . we got our sweaters , no names on them though
but its kay . cuz i screwed up on my last name when i told them to stitch it in anyways x]

after the meet . went with pam & josselyn to pho ,
pretty awesome :) and then pam stalked me home . -_-

but overall gud day :P

1128O9<3
^thats probs gunna be in all my entries ; KNOCK ON WOOD

i havent wrote a blog in the longest time . & by that ,
i mean in 4-5 days ?

after a LONG time period of a week and a half . those bitch geek squad people @ best buy give me back my laptop
THEY FORGOT TO CALL .

so i'm happy (: finally dont have to use that brick of a desktop downstairs (Y)
& another reason why i'm happy . i'm listening to u-kiss's "am i easy" . and dongho's part is just so epic .
like ,
ugliness + tryna be cool =
BEST MV ATTEMPT EVER
and their attempts at engrish , oh boyyy
so facken funny .

but its quiet . hes away . i should get used to this , but its still kinda hanging by my mind


1128O9(L) ~

title says it all .
i miss his uber fat-ness D: now he has a beard , and ew

school was a lot better than expected . had the daily french stuff , then finished latin dance routine . which was GREAT btw , juss sayin . i didnt mess up :] , no one else in my team did either .
shakespeare recititation , almost failed cuz i was laughing , but its alrite (Y)

kinda confused . i'm like this always , every situation , doesnt matter WHO the person is . this always happens . trying not to pay too much attention to it though . it'll be alright ?
had swim practice today . meet @ monday , signed up for free relay
oh lordy . what am i going to do D: i hope i dont fail epicly and sink to the bottom of the pool . if i do . i will be hated
but no worries , i'll fly outta there :)
stopped @ 7-eleven , FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

then went home . and ate again .
my dog will not stfu ,
ahhhhh . same thing over and over again . mom wont stop talking about curfew , brother wont stop nagging
fml T_T

1128O9(L) i havent forgotten about you ;)

tried writing a blog yesterday, but i failed epicly
ONCE AGAIN ;
azn parents & their tight ropes .

so second blog, second attempt :)
same old . school , some latin dance thing . went out , came back , ate dinner . & simon wont stfu so now i have hin under wraps (: .
brother's playing soccer in living room


mom asked me to make her a facebook , FML
ahhh . i really dont want to imagine a fb life with a mom on it
commenting on photos , ... EW omg .

something's bothering me .. wouldnt want to put it online here anyways . just its really bad ,
the bitttccchhh .

as always . 1128O9 , coolest person evar :)